The Doctor Is In (your head!)

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For those that have spent any time with me in a shared office or lab, the following revelation will come as no surprise. For everyone else, be warned! What you are about to read will change your life. You will become 'one of the knowing', and thus knowing, you will be shunned and despised. So, in the name of all that you hold dear, stop reading now, click the back button now! If you proceed, they will know. If you want to know the truth – the real truth, read on.

Ok – ready to go ahead? Here is the secret they don't want you to know – dentist are actually aliens! 'What?' you say. 'That's about the silliest thing I’ve ever heard', you think. To my greatest sorrow, I am afraid it's true. And I have proof.

First, consider the dentist chair. It's not quite shaped for a human is it? It has that weird curve that never quite feels right when you are laying in it. That thing that is supposed to to hold your head? It looks more like a brain scanning antenna (which is is!) rather than a comfortable head rest. Have you noticed that the chair seems to rise and lower without the dentist doing anything? That's right, it's controlled by their mind!

Next consider their instruments. First, there's the twisty picks of every size and shape. The bends and turns of those things cannot be processed by the human mind. I challenge you to try this next time you are in a dentist office. Start out by looking at the base of the pick, then try to follow the shaft to the pointy end. It cannot be done! You either end up looking at the base again, obtain a splitting migraine headache, or end up wondering the parking lot of the nearest Walmart, looking for a pole cat named 'Boopsy' (not that I have ever done that despite what some now suppressed police reports might or might not insinuate). Next consider their drills. I mean really! Drills for your head? Need I say more? I could make my whole case on that simple fact alone. As a final point, next time you are in a dentist office, take a good look at the round foot switch they use to turn turn the drills on and off. It looks more suited for a round appendage rather than the human foot. Perhaps a round appendage with tentacles coming out of it!

Now consider the 'x-rays' they take. Usually, it seems like they they are ready for the dentist to view in a few seconds. I don't know about you, but back when I got my pictures developed from film, it usually took at least an hour for them to be processed. My current theory is that their 'x-ray' machine, rather than emitting x-rays, actually sucks memories out of your brain, and that plastic thing cutting into your gums that you are holding in place by biting down on a rubber gasket is actually a lens that is used to precisely focus on a specific cognitive areas.

I know what your thinking. 'I've seen the x-rays – they are real x-rays of teeth.' Fools! Of course they are real x-rays. Here's the dirty little secret – they are all the same! They are bulk manufactured by the mother ships located at the dental supply warehouses! They serve two functions. First, they allow the the dentist to tell you 'look – here, here and here have decay, and we are going to have to do a root canal here, and redo that crown there'. (Side note: why do crowns only last 10 years? Duh – the batteries wear out. Why don't they use solar power? Duh – no one but politicians an hookers leave their mouth open that long – and hookers usually work in the dark) That benefits them in two ways. First, it gives them a chance to fulfill their prime directive – to implant mind control devices into all human. Secondly, it allows them to finance their little operation without having to overtly take over the treasuries of the world. As anyone who has had a root canal can tell you – it's damn expensive. Next you ask 'But what about crime victims that are identified by their dental records?' Idiots! Who makes the identification? Dentist! Why is the identification so easy? Can you say alien RFID's? If you've had a cavity filled, you've been tagged.

Finally, I have to discuss orthodontist. They are, without a doubt, the elite of the aliens. The reason is two fold. First, they are the most integrated into the human psyche. Have you ever met an orthodontist that isn't smooth and likeable? I think not. Secondly, they have the ability to insert the alien mind into the human body! They are uniquely positioned to obtain the prime specimens of human male and female minds and bodies for eventual alien takeover. Think about those kids you knew who had the most complex orthodontia. Generally they came from rich and well connected families (who else could afford it?) The boys were by and large nerdy, indicating brains of sufficient complexity for alien habitation. The girls were also nerdy, but tended to end up as homecoming queens and valedictorians. Yeah – 'Mars needs women' is not just a tag line for a stupid B movie. My theory is the girls are complete aliens by the time the reach their sophomore year in high school. My evidence? Not one of the hot, former orthodontics wearing girls ever went out with me in high school – did they go out with you? Did you ever see them with 'regular' guys? I think not! There isn't any more air tight evidence than that!

So, as you leave the dentist office, weak, and slightly addled, wondering 'what the hell happened in there?' Now you know the sad truth and can join me in weeping for humanity.

P.S.

Full disclosure: I went to the dentist today for a crown fitting from the world best dentist - Dr. Rao, who recently had the patience to deal with me whining on her home phone for more pain meds to get me through a particularly painful weekend from a nasty tooth infection. She is number one in my book - even if she is an alien that nags me to take care of my teeth!