<Ring, Ring>
“Federal Bureau of Investigation, how
may I direct your call?”
“I need to turn myself in. It seems I
have used my credit to rack up huge debt”
“Hold please”
<elevator music for 10 minutes,
then>
<ring, ring>
“Consumer Crime Division, Agent
Skulduggery speaking. How can I help you?”
“Well, I was calling to turn myself
in.”
“What crime do you think you have
committed, sir?”
“Well, you see.. I was minding my own
business, doing my own thing, paying the mortgage, electric bills,
that sort of thing. Right?”
“Yes sir, go on..”
“Well I never really used my credit
cards much, you know. Fortunately I have managed to keep my job, even
in this lousy economy. We always pay off our credit cards, and
somehow have avoided debt.”
“Good for you sir. I am not seeing
any crime here, though. So if you have nothing else..”
“No, Wait! I’m not finished.”
“Ok sir, go ahead.”
“Well, things are going ok right? I
mean, we are being responsible. I even put off getting some dental
work done because we knew we couldn’t afford any additional medical
expenses with the Obamacare thing kicking in.”
“That sounds very responsible sir.”
“Right! Anyway, I read this article
about how the national debt has been going up and up since Obama took
office. I mean it now up something like 7.5 million, million! My
share of that is like $84,000! I am so sorry! I didn’t mean to make
all that debt. Hell, I didn’t even know it was happening. There is
no way I can pay all that back, like ever!”
“Sir, did you personally incur this
debt, or was it a result of someone using your identity incurring
these charges?”
“Well, I would like to say this is a
case of identity theft, but I just don’t think so. I mean, the
politicians that kept spending and spending were elected by me right?
Does their action make me a criminal?”
“Well sir, while under the
constitution, you are assumed innocent until proven guilty, in this
case by continuing to elect idiots to positions of trust you are
indeed culpable. Unfortunately, since every individual in the
country is similarly guilty, we do not have the jail space to put all
the guilty parties away for their crimes.
Because of that, we have instituted the
Guilty Voter Act. While normally such acts come from Congress, with
our new mandate to get things done without a functional legislative
branch, we have taken these matters into our own hands. All callers
who self-identify as the electorate will be placed on immediate house
arrest without the bother and expense of a messy trial. In this way
we can avoid adding additional cost to your already absurd financial
debt. There will momentarily be agents outside your domicile to place
monitoring bracelets on yourself, your spouse, children, and pets.
Once we are satisfied that you are being properly monitored, a HHS
representative will follow up with you to make sure you are enrolled
to receive EBT and other necessary public assistance.”
“But wait a minute. I have a job! I
don’t need assistance!”
“I’m sorry sir, but given your new
status, you must resign your job and go immediately on public
assistance. The more people on public assistance the better the
economy will be. With a better economy, your debt will decrease”
“What? That doesn't make any sense!
The more money the government gives away, the less I will owe? Are
you crazy?”
“No sir. We are the government, and
we are here to help.”
