Wednesday, January 7, 2015

A Small Case of Identity Theft

<Ring, Ring>
“Federal Bureau of Investigation, how may I direct your call?”

“I need to turn myself in. It seems I have used my credit to rack up huge debt”

“Hold please”

<elevator music for 10 minutes, then>
<ring, ring>

“Consumer Crime Division, Agent Skulduggery speaking. How can I help you?”

“Well, I was calling to turn myself in.”

“What crime do you think you have committed, sir?”

“Well, you see.. I was minding my own business, doing my own thing, paying the mortgage, electric bills, that sort of thing. Right?”

“Yes sir, go on..”

“Well I never really used my credit cards much, you know. Fortunately I have managed to keep my job, even in this lousy economy. We always pay off our credit cards, and somehow have avoided debt.”

“Good for you sir. I am not seeing any crime here, though. So if you have nothing else..”

“No, Wait! I’m not finished.”

“Ok sir, go ahead.”

“Well, things are going ok right? I mean, we are being responsible. I even put off getting some dental work done because we knew we couldn’t afford any additional medical expenses with the Obamacare thing kicking in.”

“That sounds very responsible sir.”

“Right! Anyway, I read this article about how the national debt has been going up and up since Obama took office. I mean it now up something like 7.5 million, million! My share of that is like $84,000! I am so sorry! I didn’t mean to make all that debt. Hell, I didn’t even know it was happening. There is no way I can pay all that back, like ever!”

“Sir, did you personally incur this debt, or was it a result of someone using your identity incurring these charges?”

“Well, I would like to say this is a case of identity theft, but I just don’t think so. I mean, the politicians that kept spending and spending were elected by me right? Does their action make me a criminal?”

“Well sir, while under the constitution, you are assumed innocent until proven guilty, in this case by continuing to elect idiots to positions of trust you are indeed culpable. Unfortunately, since every individual in the country is similarly guilty, we do not have the jail space to put all the guilty parties away for their crimes.

Because of that, we have instituted the Guilty Voter Act. While normally such acts come from Congress, with our new mandate to get things done without a functional legislative branch, we have taken these matters into our own hands. All callers who self-identify as the electorate will be placed on immediate house arrest without the bother and expense of a messy trial. In this way we can avoid adding additional cost to your already absurd financial debt. There will momentarily be agents outside your domicile to place monitoring bracelets on yourself, your spouse, children, and pets. Once we are satisfied that you are being properly monitored, a HHS representative will follow up with you to make sure you are enrolled to receive EBT and other necessary public assistance.”

“But wait a minute. I have a job! I don’t need assistance!”

“I’m sorry sir, but given your new status, you must resign your job and go immediately on public assistance. The more people on public assistance the better the economy will be. With a better economy, your debt will decrease”

“What? That doesn't make any sense! The more money the government gives away, the less I will owe? Are you crazy?”

“No sir. We are the government, and we are here to help.”

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