Damn it's cold!

With the dreaded polar vortex sweeping across the nation, about the only thing I can think about on this first day back to the real world of work and worry is how damn cold it is. Have I mentioned how much I despise the cold of winter? Yes? Good! I must admit, in my current secret bunker in an undisclosed location in Maryland, the vortex has yet to make itself felt. I fear that by tonight we shall be in it's dreaded grasp. I believe a polar vortex was the basis for this movie:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Day_After_Tomorrow

I think we are safe though. The temperature is only projected to reach down to the single digits tonight in the DC area. While our fearless leader has returned to capitol city to face this dreaded menace with up, he wisely decided to his lovely bride in Hawaii. I don't know what to say about that other than as a taxpayer, I don't appreciate the additional $100000 or so this move will cost me.

I recall the coldest temperature that I ever experienced was during my stay in Alaska under the kind care of Uncle Sam and the US Army. As I recall, the temps were 30 below or so, and we deployed to Fairbanks for the annual winter exercises. No sled dogs were needed for this little journey, instead the venerable jeeps, equipped with 'winter kits' and pulling trailers containing 8 man tents, cots, and flooring were all that was needed.

Upon arriving at out camping spot, er bivouac area, we went about setting up. The eight man tents were erected, cots set up, and Yukon stoves installed. A Yukon stove is a bizarre invention. It basically is a stove that burns gas or JP4. The gas can goes on the outside of the tent, and the feed line goes into the stove. The gravity fed gas stream drips on the hot burn plate where it explodes/burns and the glowing stove heats the tent up to a tolerable level. That being said, it was common to find a sheet of ice underneath the sleeping bags on the cots from moisture evaporated from the sleeping bags.

I mainly remember the pain of the cold more than anything else. I also recall that once the temperature got down to -15 or so, there wasn't much of a difference between that and -30. The cold does funny and unexpected things. For example, certain chemical reactions will not happen once the temperature drops below a certain level. This was illustrated for me rather dramatically. As the one counter-intelligence squad in the Military Intelligence Detachment, it was our job to evaluate the use of camouflage by the troops. To perform that task our lieutenant had secured the use of a helicopter to fly over the units to evaluate them. I was tasked to go along as the photographer. Other than a short hop as part of my training when I first arrived in Alaska, I had never been on a helicopter, so I was agog by the adventure of it all. We got airborne, and the lieutenant started directing me to take pictures. The problem was that the camera hadn't been protected from the cold, so the emulsion agents necessary for the Polaroid film to work had turn turned into a gooey mess. When I triggered the first picture, the camera jammed beyond all recovery. The conversation went something like this:

lieutenant (in the front seat): "there - get a picture of that!"
me (in the back): "Yes Sir!"
<pause..>
lieutenant: "Did you get it? Do we need to circle back?"
me: "Sir... we have a problem..."
lieutenant: "Campbell - what's the problem"
me: "Well Sir, the camera seems to be malfunctioning"
lieutenant: "Keep working on it"
irritated pilot: "Do we need to go back?"
lieutenant: "No, i'm sure he will get it fixed."

To make a long story short, I didn't get it fixed as gooey film, once frozen could not be reconstituted. I am not really sure how critical the pictures were to whatever we were doing up there, but I felt really bad about it, even though I had no experience with that kind of weather or Polaroids. At the time I had quite a bit of experience with 35mm film and cameras, and the unit had no shortage of those and a darkroom. Of course the darkroom, cameras, and film were in Anchorage and we were in Fairbanks, which is why we were using Polaroids. Needless to say, the trip was something of a waste, and I learned a valuable lesson about the cold and Polaroids.

The Chef Speaks: How to make Microwave Popcorn (from scratch!)

I have decided to augment my blog with cooking instruction. Today I take on the awesome challenge of making microwave popcorn (from scratch!). I know, this sounds really hard. For those faint of heart, look away now. For the rest of you up for this culinary challenge read on! Today we cook!

This is what you will need.

• A plain brown paper bag
• bag of bulk (unpopped) popcorn
• butter (about a tablespoon)
• salt (in a shaker)

I know some of these may not be in your kitchen, as they are truly unusual ingredients. Well, I must tell you that any prospective chef that does not have these is not worthy of wearing big hats. So, if you don't have these, go to Costco and buy a pallet of each. Got them? Good - now we can proceed.

The first step is to measure out 1/3 of a cup of popcorn. If you don't have a proper measuring cup, or if you were drinking shots out of your measuring cups the night before and they are all dirty, that's fine. You shouldn't really need a measuring cup anyway. Real chefs can estimate such measurements.

This next step is tricky. Place the popcorn in the measuring cup into the brown paper bag. If you can execute this deft trick without spilling a single kernel, then you can promote yourself to master chef as you have great promise. Note: they bag must be open to accomplish this task. Throwing the kernels in the air and attempting to catch them in the bag just makes you look stupid and the dog laughs at you.

Summoning you inner origami, fold the top of the bag thusly so it will fit in the microwave and constrain the popped popcorn. Chaos theory being what it is, the bag will immediately attempt to unroll itself. Do not let it get away with this. Re-roll it immediately to show it who is boss. Repeat this process until it is clear you are not smarter than a plain brown paper bag.

Place the paper bag upright in the microwave. This is critical: upright! Now comes the hard part. I have conducted hours of research with my microwave and have determined that the optimum popping time is 2 minutes, 30 seconds. Beyond this the popcorn becomes a smoking mess, under that and the there are a disappointing number of unpopped kernels. I could beguile you here with tales of wattage and other scientific nonesense, but why bother. Just set the timer for three minutes, and when you can count to three-mississippi and have not heard a popping sound, you know that it's done. Note: do not start counting until at least 2 minutes have passed. Another Note: Only you can prevent microwave fires!

Opening the microwave you may notice that the bag has fallen over. DO NOT PANIC! This is normal as plain brown paper bags get tired after being in the microwave for so long. Remove the bag from the microwave and place your butter in there.

I find that butter melts nicely in my microwave in about 30 seconds. Do not overcook the butter in the microwave! It tends to explode, then everything you cook in that thing for the next week has a weird buttery taste. Not that I've ever done that. Ever. Honest.

Now open up the bag - ummm - popcorny smelly steam escapes and there is all that yummy popcorn. Time to put the finishing touches on this and plate it.

First add salt. A lot of salt. Then shake the bag and add more. This ensures that you are getting your daily requirement of salt and the salty goodness is spread evenly throughout the cooked popcorn.

Next add the butter. I usually drizzle about half of the butter in, shake the bag, then add the rest. This again distributes the yummy buttery flavor throughout the popped popcorn.

That's it! If you have carefully followed these steps you are entitled to call yourself a microwave popcorn chef and garner all the prizes and adoration that title deserves. Just don't forget to share the spoils of your efforts with your long suffering assistant chef:

Whole lotta nothing

A lazy Sunday round up of stuff in no particular order that caught my eye this morning

I am thinking that Steven Segal would make a great Congress Critter. While most of the critics of him running compare him to Jesse V, he doesn't have that crazy factor that Jesse has. He actually is aikido master. While my study of martial arts mainly was taekwando, I have a great deal of respect for guys who have aikido expertise. Of course the guy is a bit of a show off, but have you ever met a congress critter who isn't? The only thing is I would urge him to run against Dirty Harry Reid for Senate. That would be epic!

Here's something that I never noticed before, but in thinking back on, eh, personal observations, it seems to be about right - dogs do try to align themselves North and South when pooping. There is so much we don't now about nature...

So it was inevitable that someone would make an app for voting. Basically, it generates a paper ballot with then gets scanned into a counting machine. The article doesn't mention how security is implemented, but i'm sure its all good. NOT!  This falls into the really bad idea column. There is no reason that does not involve voting fraud for making voting easier. Not. One. If the a voter cannot get off their lazy butts and make it to the polling place, they really should not be voting. Ditto for counting votes. It should be a mechanical process that any moron can do. Machines just make the fraud easier. End of story.

So now they are thinking that there is a 'dark matter' disk around the equator? I remember when I was working satellites we had to take into account a region called the South Atlantic Anomaly where satellites were prone to going haywire. I wonder if the two are connected?

I'd say it's about time that local police are being sued for providing color of law pressure to support the Feds randomly collecting DNA from citizens. It's wrong and the only way to stop this nonsense is to hit the responsible jurisdictions in the pocketbook. Now if only we could do something about those damn revenue cameras.

A definitive guide to cooking steak. While I don't think warming the steak before cooking it is a great idea, I have to say that the scientific arguments they make for doing it makes sense and has me rethinking my preferred methods.

Does anyone remember the Battle of Fallujah? No - well here's a little summary. So now it appears that it is firmly back in the hands of Al Qaeda. Nice job of statesmanship there Obama administration. Guess you don't mind seeing everything we accomplished over there going the shit.

So the Australians have cleverly figured out a method to tag sharks so that when they are near swimming areas the tweet the beach to alert bathers to not go in the water. Brilliant! Of course just avoiding swimming during their prime feeding times at night would probably be a good idea too.

If you read this blog much you know I really like my classic YJ jeep. It breaks my heart that Chrysler has been sold to the gutless French <spit> Fiat. That it was basically stolen then given away to them by our current leadership is beyond disgusting. Buy American doesn't quite mean what it used to.


That's the most important (and less important) stuff that caught my eye today. Tune in again for more mindless drivel, drooling, and butt scratching.

Hero of the Week for 12/30/13

Even though my last hero was only awarded recently, I decided that this week deserves it's own hero of the week, so here it goes. The hero of the week award goes to the soon to be gone incandescent light bulb, or in the common vernacular - light bulb. You had a pretty good run light bulb. Edison knew very well what he was doing when his researchers developed the first viable commercially available light bulb. With a single stroke, he saved millions of lives from a death by a fire caused by overturned oil lamps or candles. If Mrs O'Leary had been milking by a light bulb rather than oil lamp, the Chicago Fire may never had happened!

Like I think most people, the light bulb has always been a source of comfort for me. Where there is light, there is warmth, and where there is warmth there is life. I can recall many times while hunting on my grandfather's farm, coming in at dusk and seeing the porch light that my grandmother always made sure was on to greet us. That light meant that there was a fire going in the fireplace, steak or fried chicken on the table, and, if the season was right, a game on the TV. I can also remember nights of sickness where a warm incandescent light bulb was the only thing I had to keep me company in a night of misery. The light bulb is therefore more than a utilitarian item for me, it is symbolic a simpler way of life. 2014, and this first week of it, will mark the end of the light bulb, not because it has outlived it's usefulness, but because of corrupt politicians and unprincipled corporate leadership engineered its demise. Join me in cursing them in the darkness or by candlelight.

That being said, the demise of the light bulb will probably not effect me very much as long as I remain firmly eschewed in the upper middle class. While the cost of the CREE replacement bulb is approximately ten times as much, it remains affordable for me. We go through maybe 5 light bulbs a month in my household. That translates to monthly cost of $5 or so. Since CREEs are about ten times more costly than normal light bulbs, that part of the budget went from $60 to $600 per year. Suffice it to say that won't break the bank for me. The ones who will be hit the hardest by this are of course the poor. They actually do have to buy the new bulbs or curse in the darkness. I predict that when the supplies of incandescent run out in a few months, there will be a great amount of darkness cursing going on. Meanwhile, the folks in China and Asia will be laughing their asses off at us and lit up like a Christmas tree.

更好地照亮一個小小的蠟燭不是詛咒黑暗

"Better to light one small candle than to curse the darkness"

(lighting a candle for the poor)

Tiny What?

When I read about PETA sending lettuce clad women out to promote vegan-ism in sub-zero weather, my first though was that if they sent a man out in those conditions they could save a lot on lettuce cost...

Hero of the Week for 12/23/13 to 12/30/13 or something

(sorry for the late post - it's a holiday week damnit!)

The last hero of the week award goes to Mother Nature. That's right, normally she tolls in anonymity, making rain, sun, shine, and snow - all those things that let us know that yes, we are living a real life on a real planet 92,960,000 miles from the nearest life giving heat source. So when some crazy adventurers decided to believe their own rhetoric rather than their 'lying eyes', the hilarious result of Mother Nature being a bitch at their hubris amused and titillated us all. That's not to say that all crazy adventurers are beaten by her, mostly just the stupid ones that fail to respect her. Thus, Mother must share the weekly award with this young lady:

http://www.drivespark.com

Maria Leijerstam

Reaches South Pole on Recumbent Trike

Pot Calling Kettle Black

As reported by Drudge, today is the day that Colorado makes recreational pot smoking legal. As a conservative you might think I would be all up in arms about this outrage, if so, then you really haven't been paying attention to my post.

No, I think this move by Colorado is a good move on a couple of levels. First, to some extent it decriminalizes an activity that is only harmful to the extent that it makes criminals of a large segment of the population that have experimented with pot. Potheads, while generally useless for the most part, are almost never violent or dangerous, unlike drunks and outer hard drug users. To ruin lives over the experimenting with this substance is absurd.

By way of illustration, I am going to talk about the first time I was offered pot. I was 14 or 15 years old. A friend from high school had invited me to join a Masonic youth organization. Since he is now a well respected guy, i'll call him CS. CS was always a smart guy, far smarter than me, and in fact continued to show his intelligence throughout high school. What he did that day was show a bad choice of friends. This guy that was toking away and driving along like everything was fine. As I've said before, I often wonder how I survived the years between 15 and 25. In any case, when they offered me a 'hit', I declined and asked to be brought home. They were pissed, but did it. After that, while we continued to be friends off and on, my relationship with CS remained cool throughout high school.

So there are two aspects to this little story of high school angst. First off, there is the inexcusable ignorance of the douche driving the car that put my young life in danger with his rather caviler use of a hallucinogenic substance. He really had no business driving that car. That being said, that was not the last time I ever got in a car with a impaired driver at the wheel. Stupidity all around. The second aspect to take away from this is to consider for a second if I had been offered a cigarette rather than a hit on a bong? My refusal would have been the same, as back then I didn't much care for cigarette smoke. That it was an illegal substance put myself, my friend, and the driver in jeopardy for a conflict with the law. This escalation from peer pressure to legal entanglement is unfair and silly.

While I was in the (all volunteer) Army, I knew a few guys whose lives were ruined by succumbing to the temptation to smoke some pot in their barracks rooms. They by and large were otherwise very intelligent guys, who did a stupid thing. At that time, the unit commanders had the right to 'inspect' the barracks rooms, using a drug sniffing dog to detect the presence of drugs. The fact that equally ranked married guys who were living in base housing were not subject to similar inspections was not lost on us. On the other hand, the rules were very clear, and those that chose to ignore them were perhaps not as intelligent as they appeared. That was actually the point I think.

So it comes down to judgment. At one time or another, we all fail to exercise good judgement, and sometimes the consequences of the bad decisions can haunt us for years. By legalizing pot, Colorado has dampened the consequences of making the bad decision to use it. The windfall here is that the law enforcement effort to contain pot usage can now be employed on more needy areas. This I think is a good thing.