Monday, April 7, 2014

Hey Michelle - Stop Making Our Kids So Damn Fat!

So Weasel Zipper had a pointer to where kids were tweeting out pictures of what their school lunches were like after Michelle's healthy eating campaign kicked in. Now I know institutional food always leaves a lot to be desired, but these were pathetic. Let's take a look at these offerings from a paleo viewpoint to see why they will do nothing to make kids healthier and how the same food could be changed to be actually be a healthy.

Take this for instance:

Ok, so right off we have a a roll (bread bad!!!) and mashed potatoes (starch bad!!!). If you ate nothing but those two things you would end up 500 pounds and be that guy that they would have to use a forklift to roll your bloated corpse into your grave at 30 because they don't make caskets that large. The only redeeming thing in this meal is the ground beef - the corn is only marginally digestible and God only knows what's in the gravy.

How can this be improved? Frankly I don't think it can. Maybe some kind of casserole using the ground beef, asparagus, and some other veggies with a cheese crust would do it.

Next we have this:

Once again - a bread bun (bread bad!!!!). The packet of ketchup is just sad and has no nutritional value, and kiwis are not real fruit - there just isn't enough there and serving 1/2 of one gives you half of nothing. For God's sake, take the money you spent on a handful of kiwis and buy like three tons of bananas then give the damn things away. Pound for pound, bananas are the cheapest fruit, a no guilt filler, and there is nothing better, despite what those 'weird trick' ads may lead you to believe. Obviously you loose the bun here, but what else? Well, instead of a bun, you could go with these:

Or just opt for the scoop of salad, with the burger cut up and tossed in.

This was just frightening:

That roll of evil bread just dominates this meal. And three damn tiny tomatoes? Are you kidding me? The milk is good as far as it goes. I don't really drink much milk. My long suffering wife buys the skim stuff which is so devoid of flavor (fat) I can't bring myself to drink it. We went back and forth on the relative merits / demerits of skim vs. 1% vs. 2% vs. Whole. Since I eat enough cheese to get all the calcium I need, it's a moot point for me. I see no reason that, given an otherwise balanced paleo style meal, that a glass of whole milk cannot be consumed along with it.

How to improve this? Take what's in the bun (assuming it's some kind of meat smothered in cheese and tomato sauce), add a layer of veggies underneath it (like cauliflower), slice up a real tomato and put that on top, then bake that for a while and serve it with packets of hot sauce that you steal from Taco Bell. Pitiful to yum in no time flat!

Finally i'll close with this:

Again, the ever present 1% milk. Again, i'd say go all the way (skim) or not at all (whole). 1% is for losers, plain and simple. Just to belabor the obvious - there's that stupid evil bread bun again. Why does Michelle want to poison our kids? Is she somehow beholden to the white bread council? Damnit women - break those bonds of slavery!

How to improve this? Take the chicken patty there, cut it up, and put it on a salad. It's like no one has thought of this before:

McDonald's Chicken Salad

I think the tweet campaign about Michelle's gestapo school lunch takeover is admirable. Hopefully kids will learn about the right way to eat and avoid the fatty Michelle diet fads:

Additional Note:
Think I am just talking B.S.? Perhaps I am. All I know is in the last 1.5 years making exactly the kind of meal changes and choices noted above I dropped 80 pounds and am in the best shape of my life. I may be wrong, but I don't think so... your mileage may vary...

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