Maint Req'd

So on the way home from the hike up White Oak Canyon (pictures here - about the most picturesque hike in Shenandoah National Park) I took a wrong turn. I kept going on the the wrong road for a while, my spidey sense telling me that I was generally going in the right direction. That being said, I started to get pretty nervous and had my wife dig out my tertiary navigation system - my trusty old tom-tom. I say 'tertiary' as the primary and secondary systems were in failure. The primary system, my wife reading the printed out google directions to the lower trailhead parking improperly backwards to derive the trip home, thus giving me the wrong turn. My secondary system was my visual memory and internal compass. That was all screwed up from fatigue.

This meant plugging in the tom-tom to the only electrical outlet in the jeep which was conveniently located between my knees under the the steering wheel, a feat that requiring only basic contortions worthy of a 5th degree yogi. During this process I managed to keep keep the jeep on the road and probably only took out a couple of chickens that may or may not have been crossing the road. Why? I'm thinking because they are just dumb birds...

In any case, with a growing sense of dread, I waited for the tom-tom to charge sufficiently to power and get enough GPS signals to advise me on the proper route home. I had not reached a full panic yet, but suffice it to say that with the fatigue from the hike, I was not at my best. It was at this point that the jeep decided to try to push me over the edge. Now I have documented elsewhere (here and here) the attempts on my life by my jeep. Thus it should come as no surprise to most that the jeep took advantage of the situation to tweak me a bit.

What did it do? There is an innocuous blank spot on the control panel that I never paid much attention to. It would light briefly when I started the jeep, then go out with the rest of the lights. It was in this time of stress that the jeep decided to light up that particular panel with the very informative message "MAINT REQ'D".

"MAINT REQ'D"? Really? What does that mean? Drive 50 more miles and the tires fall off? The engine engulfs the entire vehicle in a fireball leaving nothing but charred occupants and a blackened spot where nothing will grow for 50 years? Or will the engine just stop, leaving me and wife stranded in the Appalachian foothills, playing out a Virginia version of 'Deliverance'? "MAINT REQ'D" - really? It's a jeep, there's always "MAINT REQ'D" - that's part of the 'jeep experience'. What nimrod at GM thought that would be a good thing to put on the control panel?

My reaction was predictable. We unplugged the tom-tom, as in the time spent cycling in and out of panic attacks we passed a couple of familiar landmarks and my primary navigation system came back online - which is to say my wife recognized a previous turn off and started giving me proper directions. I still proceeded to drive white knuckled, expecting the wheels to fall off at any minute, but resolved that I would get out of the foothills and as far as possible from gay hillbilly love (not that there's anything wrong with that...). Wife and I discussed stopping and turning the jeep off and on again, but dismissed it as it sounded like one of the stupid things you scream at doomed characters in movies not to do. You know, like when the babysitter decides to answer the door with the chainsaw guy waiting, or the girl who decides it's a great time for a midnight naked swim in 'Jaws'.

Since you are reading this you know nothing untoward happened. We made it home, and I unlocked the glove box and pulled out the owner's manual to see if it had some guidance on this peculiar status light. Sure enough, it was as dumb as I expected. At 82000 miles, this light comes on 'automatically' to remind you to have GM check your emissions system. An internet search confirmed that this light is mostly BS. I am guessing that the government had GM put in that light 'voluntarily' so that folks would do the right thing and maintain their pollution control systems. The whole thing is even more ironic since in Virginia I have to take the jeep into an inspection station every two years where they put it on a treadmill and use a probe up the tailpipe to verify that it's emissions are in order - a kind of official government car gay love thing (not that there's anything wrong with that...). Somewhere, there is a (now) unemployed GM car designer laughing his ass off over this as he balances his next Blatt's beer on his corpulent belly.

Vehicular Homicide - Or my Jeep Tries (unsuccessfully) To Kill Me – Part 2

Less than a week after it's first attempt on my life, the jeep tries again. I am documenting it's actions so, in the event it continues on that course and is ultimately successful, there will be some record of what happened.

Here's how it's last attempt went. It all started Thursday morning. In an unusual burst of planning, guile, and luck I had managed to wake particularly early that day. On an ideal weekday I get up at 4:30, get on the road by 5, and at work by 6, thus allowing me to exit the office by 2 and avoid most of the afternoon rush hour traffic.

On this day, I wake at my target time. I exit the house on schedule and stumble out to the jeep. I greet it cautiously as (duh!) we have not exactly been on good terms. “Good morning jeep. Your tires are looking well aired, and, ah good, there are no strange fluids leaking from your underneath. There doesn't seem to be any rain today or last night, so I won't be straining your electrical system by running those annoying wipers. And here's a bonus – I have a good audio book I am listening to on my MP3 player and headphones, so I won't even need to turn on your radio. Unfortunately I will have to use your headlights though as it is still darker the sin out here”.

You see, normally the jeep only begrudgingly allows the use of it's spare electrical power. On those rare days when I have to use the headlights, wipers, radio, and charge my cell phone, it demonstrates it's displeasure with dips of it's power indicator to the discharging side. When I first got the jeep it evinced this proclivity. I had driven it to the park to take a walk. Upon returning from my walk I went to start it and nothing happened. Lights and radio would not come on – the jeep was feigning electrical death as surely as it had been hit by an EMP from outer space. Rather than assuming the slow death of civilization, I decided to show the jeep my displeasure by rapping it's battery connectors sharply with my crescent wrench. It got the message and started right up. I later rewarded it's responsiveness by cleaning it's battery post.

Moving on, I start jeep and did the post start checks. Fuel – ok. Water temp low, but slowly starting to creep up – good. Oil pressure – high, which I’m assured by my mechanic and the internet is normal and have learned to not worry too much about. It will easy back a bit after I get going. I am thinking it's the jeeps way of expressing it's irritation at the rudeness of being asked to start on a cold morning. Electrical, discharging a bit, but that is normal. At this point I realize that I am cold. With Fall fast upon us, the mornings have got progressively colder, and even though I have a sweater on it still is a little uncomfortable. I decide to leave the windows up for now and turn on the heater. I guess it's something about being elemental that attracts people to jeeps, so as a rule jeep drivers will always have at least the driver's window down, regardless of the weather. The stouter ones will take the doors, top, and tailgate off too, staying in that state even when faced with several feet of snow. Conversely, jeep owners who drive around with their windows up are viewed with suspicion. “Are they confused Hummer owners?” we wonder. We wave at them too, but cautiously...

So I rationalize that it is acceptable to leave the windows up until the cab gets heated, as I am unlikely to see any other jeeps this dark morning. I pull out of the driveway, and wind my way through Manassas toward Centreville, happily munching on my egg sandwich and listening to my book, which at that point wasn't too boring or exciting. It is just right for the morning commute. When I got to Centreville, though, the first tickling of nausea hits me. Calling it nausea at that point might be too strong. More of a twinge of distress that I attributed to the too quick consumption of my breakfast sandwich. By the time I hit Chantilly my stomach was rolling, and beads of sweat were forming on my forehead, prompting me to finally roll down the window.

By the time I hit the office parking, my head was woozy. I hadn't lost my lunch, but was close. I managed to stumble to my office, still in denial of the sudden onset flu symptoms. I could only manage to stare blankly at my computer screen, barely able to think. I rationalized that if I could hold on until after rush hour, I would head back home. Then I began to feel better, and after an hour, all of my symptoms had disappeared. With my head clear, I began to analyze what had happened. How was it possible that these flu symptoms could just appear, then fade away so quickly?

I then remembered something my mechanic had mentioned on my last visit. As I was leaving he said, “Hey Mike, you might have an exhaust leak”. At the time I had nodded and noted that I wouldn't worry about it until I had to get it fixed for the next (completely unnecessary government mandated) safety inspection. Googling “exhaust leak nausea” confirmed my suspicions. The jeep had tried to kill me with carbon monoxide poisoning, like some guy in a closed garage with a running car! It was diabolical in it's execution. 

For the drive back to Manassas, I had all the windows down, and for good measure, stuck my head out and took deep breaths whenever the opportunity presented itself. In retrospect, I see my actions were akin to when you are in a car and a noxious emission by one of your fellow travelers causes a stampede for every available window. I can only imagine what my fellow commuters though of me that day. I suppose it appeared that I was in such extreme gastric distress that I, ahem, couldn't stand my own company.

When I got the jeep to the mechanic that evening, he confirmed it. The gasket had degraded and bolts from the catalytic converter had loosened. With the skid plate in place, the leaked exhaust was filtered directly up into the cab. As long as I had the windows down I would feel only a mild discomfort. It therefore was only the act of rolling down my windows that saved me from the jeep's fiendish plot. The issue was easily and quickly resolved with a new gasket, bolts and a token shop fee.

I had a long talk with it the next day after picking it up from the mechanic and I believe that we are back on good terms. It seems to be behaving itself. I will go forward with caution.

Vehicular Homicide - Or my Jeep Tries (unsuccessfully) To Kill Me - Part 1

Twice in a couple of weeks!

Last week I am happily on my way home, doing the usual gas, clutch, brake, shake head; gas, clutch, brake shake fist; gas, clutch, brake, middle finger pattern that I seem to fall into whenever I get stuck in rush hour traffic, when I notice an odd thing about the brake pedal. Each time I depress it, it goes a little further down before the friction kicks in and the jeep begins to slow. I am no Michael Schumacher in my driving habits, with all those skillful alternating braking and and accelerating moves. In an aging (no 'Classic') Jeep I don't need to be. A slight brush of the brake is usually sufficient to give it an idea about what needs to be done, and eventually it will get around to doing it. The only slamming of the accelerator I do is usually to get away from obnoxious low-riders with some stupid rap blaring out. The only slamming of my brakes is to avoid hitting text addled teenagers and mid-thirties hipsters obliviously chatting away as they wonder from lane to lane. So this behavior of my brake mechanism was particularly troubling. As I neared the center of Manassas, I slowed so if I lost control, I would only do minor damage and began to look for a Hummer to run into. Fortunately, my mechanic's location is right there, (Logan's Auto Emporium), so I didn't have to find a Hummer.

Logan is something of a character. He runs a great shop, hires honest mechanics, and is really a nice guy. My wife has nick-named him 'Yoda', which I think he knows about, but probably doesn't like. If you ever meet him, you'll get the reference. So here's how the drop-off went (in my head).

Me: “the space time continuum is no longer connected for this vessel”

Logan: <checking the brake>”The force is truly weak in this one”

Bob:”Don't get cocky kid – you'll be able to jump into hyperdrive in no time”

Weird Guy that used to work in the office: “You know I used to castrate horses for a living?”

Actual conversation:

Me: “The damn thing nearly killed me! The brakes barely work”

Logan:”no problem – Bob will take a look at it and figure it out”

Bob:”Seals are bad in the master cylinder, gotta replace it."

Logan: "Parts will be here in the morning”

Weird Guy that used to work in the office: “You know I used to castrate horses for a living?”

(Actually I haven't seen weird guy for a long time – I think Logan kicked him out when his daughter began working there in the office)

So actually, it was just a failure of an original part that really couldn't be helped. When I bought the Jeep last year, it had 65,000 miles on it. For a vehicle made in 1992, that was fantastic. Unfortunately, there's part that fail due to the wear and tear of miles, and parts that fail due to old age. The master cylinder was the latter. Something of a metaphor for life I guess. I probably should encourage it with words from the Buddha:

All compounded things are subject to decay. Strive with diligence!

P.S – I will write about it's second attempt another time. All is well and I and the jeep were not injured (not that it wasn't trying – i'm thinking I will retaliate by personalizing it's license plate to read “R-SHIRT” and paint a star trek chevron on it's hood)

Have a great weekend! Again, if I go anywhere of note, I will post a trail review. I think my review from last weekend of Bull Run Mountain was pretty good if I do say so myself. I think they are doing their 'haunted mountain' thing there tomorrow night if your interested.