War of the Leaves - Opening Gambit (Part 2)

The real first tree offensive started about the first week of October. The trees were obviously watching my mowing patterns, and as soon as I waited just a little too long to mow the grass, they released their opening salvo. Thus the mix of lawn clippings and leaves are hopelessly intermixed and extraction of the leaves from the field of battle is that much more difficult.

Another key strategy of the trees is to place as many leaves as possible in the gutters and roof of the house. This is truly diabolical. If I am foolish enough to get on the roof to clean the gutters, then I will face serious injury by sliding off the roof slick with wet leaves. I am of course not so foolish. That's why I usually draft my son to climb up on the roof as younger bodies tend to bounce better when falling more than 10 feet.

The trees have commented a strategic blunder this year. It appears that they have attempted a first drop while the weather remains balmy and the air calm. Thus I have managed to sweep up most of their foolish forays in a single afternoon. If I am not lured too much by the clarion call of easy kayak fishing, the field of battle will be mine as soon as the rest of the detritus is removed. It remains to be seen how they will follow up. I do see that there is a major storm forecast to hit the east coast, so I expect that if we are the recipient of that blow, the cowardly trees will take advantage of the opening to heap misery upon us.

Reporting from the forward battle lines of the leaf war, your humble reporter, driver, master and commander: Mike C

War of the Leaves – Opening Gambit (Part 1)

http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/6/61/Acorns.jpg/800px-Acorns.jpg

As sure as the coming of the Fall, the beginning of the war of the leaves has been joined in my part of Northern Virginia. Every year, I think, “this cannot happen again”, and every year I am lulled into a false sense of security. I tool around my yard once every week, maintaining an acceptable cut of the grass with less than a couple of hours of work a week. Bliss it is. No worries and the endless summer. Just as I get comfortable with this pattern, it starts.

The tree’s opening salvo actually starts in mid-September. The most ‘hatin’ trees in the yard, the mighty oaks, pelt us with its tiny missiles. For what they lack in accuracy, they more than make up in volume. The attack acorns pose a dual threat. The first threat is the obvious bruises, contusions, and welts from the oaks' subsonic high altitude ballistic power projections. They also attempt (mostly unsuccessfully) to take out our cars, which being the best up-armored vehicles commercially available made from 1990-2003, are able to slough off this aggression with ease. Once on the ground, the missiles revert to their passive threat role. They appear to just lie there, but what they are actually doing is coordinating their stealthy movements to gather in key locations such as steps dark locations. Upon detecting the pressure of a human foot, they employ the ‘death roll’, flinging an unsuspecting human to the certain death of a hard cement fall.

 You would think that would be enough, but no, once they have spent themselves on that move, they shatter into thousands of sharp razor like shards to ensnare the unwary bare foot. To add insult to injury, the tree’s allies, the tree rats, gather up the missile remains, take them back to the treetops, and eat them, spitting the unwanted parts out of their diseased mouths onto the heads of passing unsuspecting children.

Due to too nice a day, extended fishing hours, and a late plumber, I will continue this tomorrow..