Saturday, June 8, 2013

The last suit you'll ever wear...

So congress is going to try to cut the TSA uniform balance by 18%? The horror! Let's take a look at what that means. As noted in the article the budget allowed for an expenditure of $1000 a year per screener. Now that is cut to just $820. How will they manage? To be helpful, I did a little research on Amazon to see if I could come up with a cost for a typical security screener uniform. I am going with worst case estimates here which is a very fat man. I suspect that, given what I have seen this is more 'typical' than 'worst case', but it gives a fair comparison.


The Tru-Spec Navy Gen 1 Police BDU Pants will be all the rage for the TSA screener set. It looks bad-assed and would be what a 'real' cop would wear (at least until plastered to the wide load of that guy pawing through the luggage in lane 1). Added bonus? large pockets for storing 'hohos' or stuffing traveler's electronics when they aren't looking. Price - $35 + $10 shipping = $45. Now in most cases 3 pair of these would probably be more than enough. But we are talking about the TSA here - spillage from eating mishaps and the unmentionable 'brown cap' incidents would warrant a cautious purchase of at least 5 of these.
(Total So Far: $225)


The Black Braided Elastic Stretch Belt is the obvious choice to style, comfort, and (let's face it - those 'hohos' aren't doing your waistline any good) adaptability. Since they are mesh, no messy holes to punch after pigging out on that extra large bean burrito from the 7-11. Cost: $8 (free shipping!)
(Total So Far: $233)


The Short Sleeve Uniforms Dress Shirt is not an obvious choice, but I feel it is a good one. Yes, this is primarily for overweight parochial school kids, but let's face it - they could probably whip your butt, so it is about right for the really 'tough guy' look you are after. Cost: $13 + $7 Shipping. Now let's not be coy - between the flop sweat and the fore mentioned eating incidents, you are going to need 5 of these (one for each shift).
(Total So Far: $333)


Since you require no real police training I thought we could really have some fun & save some money here. These personalized badges will serve both as a badge and a name tag! Fun huh? Cost: 0.37 + $3 shipping = call it $3.50
(Total So Far: $336.50)

Yep - I've selected the unparalleled quality and style of Crocs for the choice of shoes for our airport's finest. They are easy to slip on at beginning of shift when you are too hung over to barely tell left from right, and are easy to slip off to give the toes some wiggle room at that all important first 1/2 hour break after a laborious hour of  of listening to traveler's whine about their so called 'rights'. Cost: $45 (free shipping!)

(Really? Who are you kidding - you are not going to wear socks)


Grand Total: $381.50

So it is possible to outfit a TSA screener for less than $1000. Or here's a thought - perhaps they could get a substandard 'allowance' and fork the difference out of their own pay - kinda like the military does. Or even better - get nothing at all!

Update: I understand that there is a flood of IMAO readers coming in here due to a rare mistake by the distinguished Harvey. Welcome! As long as your here, take a look around. If you are looking for serious, I've got a little of that too. I try post about every day (unless I have more important stuff going on), so drop back by when you can or subscribe to my RSS feed. I can't promise there won't be cat videos, but I can promise to only the highest quality ones...

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