Saturday, August 31, 2013

When you have the most powerful military in the world, everything looks like an aspirin factory

(Warning! Naked Hippies! Play at your own risk)

I, like I think most citizens of the world, became concerned when out nobel peace prize winning president went all warlike and became determined to make like Clinton and bomb an aspirin factory (or some other 'punitive' target).

So if the goal is to select some meaningful punitive targets in Syria, i'd like to help out. I put on my war planning and intelligence analyst hat, pulled up Google Earth, and went to work. Here's what I came up with.

I used Google Earth to scour the lands and deserts of Syria, looking for sites that looked suspicious. Right away I found this odd structure near Palmyra:

Very strange. It looks like a basketball court for giants! Who are they trying to fool?

Next I found this structure in the Lattakia district:

It's like a crop circle in the middle of a city. Exceedingly odd!

I looked some more and found this very strange stand of olive trees:

Note how they are all in lines. As I was looking around the country, I noticed that their olive trees all seem to be planted in squares. The farmers here seem to prefer lines. That reeks of some nefarious scheme afoot.

Another location that could be an aspirin factory is this structure (the Yarseli Dam):

See the floating squares? They are like those pill boxes your addled old grandmother uses to keep her meds straight. Better imagery and you could actually make out 'MTWTFSS' printed on them.

That got me to thinking about Syrian infrastructure. What critical infrastructure could the Barry take out that would really send a message to the Syrian leadership? This magic carpet manufacturing facility in Ali Baba jumped right to the head of the line:

Sometimes when deciding on targets, an analyst must not only designate targets, but also indicate areas that should not be hit. Given the Bamster's love of golf, it is very important that the only golf course in Syria (near Damascus) should not be hit:

Sensitivity to our allies there (Muslims - and er - Al Qaeda - wait what? Weren't they the ones that bombed us in 2001?) is very important. So the bombing should be of places that have no cultural significance for them. For example "Under Monastery Road":

Or even a Christian Cemetery (bonus! bodies everywhere and everyone is already dead):

Then I thought that as long as the targeting is arbitrary, then perhaps the name of a location is the most important feature. For example, if your point is to shame Syria, what better target than Shamer:

Or you could just say that we hit Hit (warning - may not actually be in Syria - note to self: double check this before the B1s leave Utah):

Think of the media storm when Obama gets to be the 'tough' guy and goes on national TV to announce that he has taken out Assad:

Or, to please his rabid constituency, Al Busayrah:

Ok - that is enough targets for the first 15 minutes. I'll leave the lesser insignificant yet punitive targets to the other analyst.

Pre-Publishing Update:
Damn! All this work is for nothing. It looks like with all the sequester cuts, the military won't have enough money to bomb at all without an unwilling Congress allocating more. Why do they hate black people?

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